Tears make it word worthy.

To be scandalous, notable, enviable, admirable, lovable, lustworthy. This is my desire. I am supposed to say intelligent, strong, maybe even stoop so low as to say beautiful; but really aren't those things encompassed in my wish list already. As a woman I should never say any of that of course. We are supposed to be mysteriously powerful and accomplished. Today, though, I have begun reading a book that states what I really want unapologetically, to be captivating.

Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul  by John and Stasi Eldredge was recommended a friend. According to the back cover the message is this:

"Your heart matters more than anything else in all creation. The desires you had as a  little girls and the longings you still feel as a woman - they are telling you of the life God created you to live. He offers to come now as the Hero of your story, to rescue your heart and release you to live a fully alive and feminine woman. A woman who is truly captivating."

 Often these books just don't seem to apply to me or make me roll roll my eyes  at their super-spiritualness. However, I agreed half-hearted to join the study group because if not then I'm obviously a backslidden heathen and went to my local used bookstore  and got a copy.

Since the first chapter is due on Saturday, I sat down to do my assigned reading. About 20 pages of light reading. Really it wasn't that difficult as reading goes. Just as I expected by page the beginning of page 10 I was underwhelmed. I'm not married, I don't have children and I'm not overtaxed by balancing family, church and work as the supposed wannabe supermoms are. Sure, if you are one of those types, you are thinking I'm crazy, but its where I'm not.

However, near the bottom of the page where the discussion was on enjoying being single but wanting to be romanced by a man, one simple phrase caught my eye. "I don't want to hang my life on it, but I yearn for it." The tears began to fall. Its true, my life will not end if I remain single, but I still want someone to want me. 

 We are relational. We must discuss what we feel or experience. We want to experience with others. We want to be a part of that great adventure, particularly if the hero needs our help. And more than anything, we want to be seen as beautiful. You know, the one who no matter her age has a luminosity that draws others or at least their envy.
 

So do I have it in me? According to this book, I do. Whether I actually do and will just learn to revel in its reveal or that little something comes with the great confidence I am supposed to gain from reading, I cannot say. However. I will read on. Hopefully you will be captivated by me too.