Captivating: re-Introductin

Many moons ago. I started to go through this journey with God, to unbury, unwrap, reveal and revel in the person He created me to be. At the encouragement of my friend Teresa, I joined her online study group. Here is the first post.  In case you want to go back and read it or get info on the book. However, I allowed other things to redirect my time and in the end, left the shovel right next to the hole I'd dug.


Now 6 months later, I go back to pick up the shovel and resume the hunt for the beautiful, captivating feminine woman within this woman. So I am starting at the beginning again.


So I ask with welling tears and invite you to do the same -
 God, meet me in the deep places of my heart and bring me hope, courage, healing and the delights of intimacy that I long for. You know who I am.  and the desires of my heart I don't even have the courage to admit to myself. You put them there. Wrap me in Your safety  and help me to rest there as we uncover the woman You created.

Defining my day

So, I'm writing again.
I know, I know. You are probably saying. So you have "started over" how many times? Well thppppbbt! I'm doing it again! so HA!

I have been watching Chris Powll's "Extreme Makeover: Weighloss Edition" on Hulu for a couple of weeks now. Everytime I watch it, while i'm eating, of course. And get inspired to start doing something the next morning. Then the morning (or afternoon) comes and I hit the snooze button over and over again, and basically waste my day.

However, this week he said something that goes along with something he said about "excuses" last week.... (looking for the quote....) ok, can't find it now, but it was something like "Until you run out of excuses nothing in your life will change."  But this week on Krista's episode, Chris said something that has managed to stick with me, stil this morning.

"It all comes down to when that alarm goes off in the morning. What you do in that moment starts to define who you are."

In other words, I am where I am and who I am in life right now because I have chosen not to do anything about it. Harsh. but true.

So how do I define my day and thus my life?

Get out of bed. and that means today, not going to be because I have to reset my body from the lazy schedule its kept.

Eat Breakfast. Which I am doing now.

Get me and God patched up. Which means to do my devotion in just a sec. I am btw, starting over again on reading and study Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul. by John & Stasi Eldridge .

Go work out! As soon as my devotion is done, I'm going outside. I've never been able to run at least not very far. but I'm starting again. Right now my goal is to be able to run one length of my block within a week. I can do this. I just have to actually DO it. in the morning and at night. Do it!

Write. While you may think that means blog. it really just means write. Blogging is included, but if I want to be a successfully paid writer, I need to actually produce things worth being paid for, So I will write.



So I start again today to redifine the life I've let wither. and I'll let you know how I do as well.

Advantages

In school there was always the teacher's pet and those who wished they were teachers pet. The Pet inevitably hated being ridiculed for being so, and the non-pet was jealous of the advantages the Pet inevitably had. Is it the same in the Kingdom of God?

Today in my daily reading I ran across this where the father of the "prodigal son" is talking to his elder son who had been well-behaved and never left home. He never realized he had pet status and instead was jealous of the party being thrown for his newly returned rebellious li'l brother.

"But he answered and said to his father, 'Look ! For so many years I have been serving you and I have never neglected a command of yours; and yet you have never given me a young goat, so that I might celebrate with my friends; but when this son of yours came, who has devoured your wealth with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him.' And he said to him, 'Son, you have always been with me, and all that is mine is yours.' " (Luke 15:29-31)

Have you been a pet and all along had the rights and privileges available to you as a son of the Almighty and just not taken advantage of them either because you didn't research for yourself to learn them or because you've just forgotten all that's available to you? Don't let only the new believers with the great and exciting new testimony get all the good stuff from their God. Crawl up in His lap and ask! Its been there all along for you and still is!

Mustard Matzo Crackers

Growing up I used to hear my dad say "Jesus was a Carpenter, which means He was practical." Um OK, dad, whatever you need to feel validated (my dad was an electrician who always thought himself practical). However today in my daily reading I was for some reason reminded of this exact phrase.

It was all about the stuff of daily life: growing trees, baking bread, worrying about bullies, getting old, finding a mate, dealing with families, caring for pets, and feeling like your neighbors have more than you.  - The very same things we all deal with regularly. What struck me was the very practical side to all these stories - none of it fantastical or some great super-spiritual bit, just everyday stuff. So wherein is the wisdom?

 

Mustard Tree

 Mustard is strong and fragrantly distinct flavor and the tree from which this flavor comes is a good sized one when allowed to grow willy-nilly all over the middle east and all from one tiny little seed with no help from the locals at all. But Jesus didn't talk about someone putting the big flavor into flour and making some seriously potent crackers, nope, instead he talked about a woman putting yeast in the flour.

For those that don't know - those rolls you get from Logan's Roadhouse or O'Charley's that melt in your mouth and make you want to die right then and there with happiness  - those slightly sweet puffy smooshable never cuttable roles are called yeast rolls. Yep, that's what Jesus talked about doing to the flour. He said that the kingdom of God was like a little bit of yeast buried in a whole giant heap of flour that makes a whole freaking load of yeast rolls.  See without yeast if we'd put the spectacular mustard in, we'd have us some seriously powerfully hot and bitter matzo crackers, but instead by putting in that little tiny bit of yeast, we get carbohydrate perfection straight from the oven.



Carbs from Heaven



Here's what got me - mustardy matzo's would have been known by everyone and definitely would have been a product of trying to hard. However, by HIDING the yeast, and just letting it do what it does without our help at all and without us putting our hands in the mix while it rises, we get delicious pillows of bread. So if God is like yeast, perhaps we need to stop screwing around with stuff so much and always TRYING to figure out what Gods doing and saying and telling and .... and instead, allow Him to inject himself a tiny bit each day into us - and we will make our whole bowlful of friends and family rise with us toward perfection. No peeking or groaning or tasting, just a whole basketful of deliciousness by doing nothing but letting the yeast of Gods spirit to be buried deep in our lives.

tarnished Golden Globes

Most of you don't know. I don't really watch television. I own an actual TV set that is hooked up to the DVD player for movies, and I do Hulu a few shows or use Netflix, but to actually watch TV - nope, doesn't happen. So Golden Globes for me is mostly just another award show that I check the pictures of the red carpet to see what everyone is wearing. This year - beige, black and more beige, but nobody wore a smile.

In October of last year I visited LA for a week. I expected lots of fake attitudes, airs and boobs, what I saw instead were people not even Faking happy. No one ever smiled. Everyone looked like life had beat the shit out of them or would by day's end. It wasn't even an air of discontent. It was resignation to unhappiness and loneliness.

Again, I expected fake, or pretend and the shallowness that comes with the tinsel of tinsel-town, but even in the regular people, (You know, the ones who were born and raised there and still don't know a celebrity and work the cash register at the CVS) there is a total lack of intimacy. Its no wonder the divorce rate is so high among celebrities - so many live in LA. Even those that had "close" friends, still weren't close with their friends. I have people that know me. Deal with my issues and don't let me get away with shit for long. But in LA, no one seems to think they have the right to be real with their friends or have permission from their friends to do so. Maybe that is why no one smiles. They aren't really happy because they have no friends.

I have digressed completely. The point, the lack of smiles has become so wide-spread in LA that they could even rustle up more than 5 smiles(worn by the cast of Glee and Tom Hanks wife) for even an event so sparkly and pretentious as the Golden Globes.

Golden Globe's Red Carpet by Omg.com

Never Let Go

Am currently listening to "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman

For some reason, it seems to go right along with my daily reading. Specifically the story of Mary and Martha.

Now as they were traveling along, He entered a village ; and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. She had a sister called Mary, who was seated at the Lord's feet, listening to His word. But Martha was distracted with all her preparations ; and she came up to Him and said, "Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone ? Then tell her to help me." But the Lord answered and said to her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her."

There are so many sermons about sitting at the feet of Jesus that have been derived from these two women. Many a lesson has been taught, and interesting one being found in Grace Rules Weblog. I was even given a whole devotional Bible-study by a friend once Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver. But today something stood out to me. Mary wasn't required to work. The rest of you are probably saying, "Duh!" - but it just stood out to me.


Perhaps it's the words to the song I've been listening to, maybe its just the word for the day as I try not to think of my dwindling finances in the face of the completely impenetrable chaos of the states unemployment office call center or the stress of a looming school semester that I cannot get my lovely advisor to contact me about to so I can register for a science class I need to graduate. Whatever it was, I finally heard it. Mary sat at the feet of Jesus knowing that whatever was needed would be provided. If she didn't want to let go of Him, he was good with that and even encouraged it. 


More than that, He never lets go of ME and actually wants me to revel in my time with him. He encourages it, He wants me to sit and ogle Him, not because it fees some great ego of His or something, but because He does. In return, he will see that my needs and wants are taken care of without stress.

Yeah yeah, its all about sitting in His presence and not being too busy to notice him, just like the Sunday school teacher said it was, but its more than that. Just like a couple of in-love 19 yr-olds that can't live without being in some sort of constant physical contact, so He wants to be with me. He's not gonna let go and I don't have to either.

Tears make it word worthy.

To be scandalous, notable, enviable, admirable, lovable, lustworthy. This is my desire. I am supposed to say intelligent, strong, maybe even stoop so low as to say beautiful; but really aren't those things encompassed in my wish list already. As a woman I should never say any of that of course. We are supposed to be mysteriously powerful and accomplished. Today, though, I have begun reading a book that states what I really want unapologetically, to be captivating.

Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul  by John and Stasi Eldredge was recommended a friend. According to the back cover the message is this:

"Your heart matters more than anything else in all creation. The desires you had as a  little girls and the longings you still feel as a woman - they are telling you of the life God created you to live. He offers to come now as the Hero of your story, to rescue your heart and release you to live a fully alive and feminine woman. A woman who is truly captivating."

 Often these books just don't seem to apply to me or make me roll roll my eyes  at their super-spiritualness. However, I agreed half-hearted to join the study group because if not then I'm obviously a backslidden heathen and went to my local used bookstore  and got a copy.

Since the first chapter is due on Saturday, I sat down to do my assigned reading. About 20 pages of light reading. Really it wasn't that difficult as reading goes. Just as I expected by page the beginning of page 10 I was underwhelmed. I'm not married, I don't have children and I'm not overtaxed by balancing family, church and work as the supposed wannabe supermoms are. Sure, if you are one of those types, you are thinking I'm crazy, but its where I'm not.

However, near the bottom of the page where the discussion was on enjoying being single but wanting to be romanced by a man, one simple phrase caught my eye. "I don't want to hang my life on it, but I yearn for it." The tears began to fall. Its true, my life will not end if I remain single, but I still want someone to want me. 

 We are relational. We must discuss what we feel or experience. We want to experience with others. We want to be a part of that great adventure, particularly if the hero needs our help. And more than anything, we want to be seen as beautiful. You know, the one who no matter her age has a luminosity that draws others or at least their envy.
 

So do I have it in me? According to this book, I do. Whether I actually do and will just learn to revel in its reveal or that little something comes with the great confidence I am supposed to gain from reading, I cannot say. However. I will read on. Hopefully you will be captivated by me too.